LA, Here I am!

(Disclaimer: this is a long first post)

I can’t believe it: I live in the LA area! It’s official! I feel like standing on a rooftop and shouting, “Do you see me Hollywood? I did it! I’m here! Yay me!”

And then I look around my new bedroom and I’m not standing on a rooftop, but instead standing amongst a lot of unpacked boxes and empty bags. Frankly I have way too many things. I also realize that no one gets a trophy for moving to a new city, because people do that all the time. It would be nice though…

Anyway, even though the people of Hollywood and the movie industry have no idea who or where I am in time and space, I know where I am. And oh my God am I thrilled about it.

Here is a brief description of last Friday when I officially moved my last boxes of things into my new place:

After picking up my costumes for the weekend (I work as a party princess for children – there will probably be lots of stories about that in the future), I hurried my things up the two flights of stairs to my new room and then immediately changed and headed out to a job interview. The interview was in Beverly Hills, and I live in Burbank. Being new to the area, I didn’t realize that it would actually take me over an hour to get to Beverly Hills from Burbank… yes, yes I know; rookie mistake. However the drive there was worth it.

As I set out on N. Hollywood Way (even the street name just makes me happy!), I suddenly found myself driving past Warner Brothers Studios. Holy shit! I got to take a tour of WB last April, but had no idea that it would be so close to my new living situation. I was grinning ear to ear in my car like a fool. It gets better: as I came up a hill I looked to my right and I SAW HOGWARTS. I’m like “Oh my GOD this is amazing! Oh Jesus, watch the road.” Realizing that I was so close to Universal Studios and Universal City lifted my spirits even more. Not even traffic and scary drivers could bring me down.

Next, I was rolling through Hollywood itself, and right across Hollywood Blvd., past Madame Tussauds, the TCL Chinese Theater, and crowds of people. If I’m being honest, the heart of Hollywood is not my favorite area of LA. It’s a little creepy sometimes and usually crowded and sort of dirty… but there is this energy, like a faint hum underneath those star-studded sidewalks that says “things happen here. Dreams happen here.”

Eventually I did make it to the job interview and apologized profusely for being late and it actually went really well! Fingers crossed that I have full time employment soon.

So the first day was a success. My weekend was busy with princess parties, getting to hang out with Aurora and the ever-popular Queen Elsa, and then Monday came along. The joy of my first day was still there, but other feelings began to set in. Feelings of loneliness. Feelings of insignificance. Feelings of being so small in a city so big. Feeling afraid of insurmountable odds and failure before I’ve even begun.

Today, I had a second interview for that same job in Beverly Hills and yet another negative feeling crept in: the feeling of not belonging here. I was sitting outside with a bunch of other job candidates at a nice little café and suddenly realized how un-LA I am. Or at least, how un-LA I feel. We were chatting about normal things I suppose; the weather, restaurants nearby, working out, etc. But just the way they were talking: the ease with which they made small talk about a city that I can’t yet claim as my home made me feel like such an outsider.

I doubt if any of them noticed my outsider feelings, or if they would’ve even known that I had only just moved if it hadn’t come up in conversation. But there I was judging myself and imagining them doing the same. Going into the entertainment industry I’m sure I’ll be judged plenty by other people, so I’m going to work on giving myself a break.

LA and I are still in the honey moon stage of our relationship and things are bound to change. Right now I have a mixture of fear and excitement, but also hope. Maybe as our relationship grows there will be moments when that hope is all but squeezed out, and I hate everything and everyone and just want to run home. But for now, it’s mostly good. And I do have hope that one day I’ll wake up feeling like I do belong, like I actually have my shit together and that I’m not so small.

Here’s to taking it one day at a time!